Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.