Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
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Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
