Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
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Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
I will never stop laughing at this
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Her: I bet he’s thinking about other women
Him: If you drink a lot of beer, you get a beer gut. If you smoke a lot of weed, you get a pot belly. Haha I’m hilarious
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”