Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.