Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.