Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
You Might Also Like
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.