being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
You Might Also Like
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.