Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

lol

[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?