Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

sitting in front of a man and woman on the train who have hit it off and lord, this is better than drugs

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.