Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

*removing hair clog from drain*

Well wookiee here

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

ME: So you’re into football?

DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.

ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.

HER: I need to see other people.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

My zodiac sign is pistachio

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2