Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

What is going on? 😅

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.