Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Cat or sheep

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.