Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

A remake of The Notebook called The iPad

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.

Computer: *Crashes

Me: *Opens document

Word: You’re not gonna believe this…

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.