Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…