Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

*offers Batman cough drops*

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?