Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *calls child’s name*

…

Me: *opens candy wrapper*

Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

I hope it’s French Onion!

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes