Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
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You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
accurate
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not