Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey