Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
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After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people