Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
You Might Also Like
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”