Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
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Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.