Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
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water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.