Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
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friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE