Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.