Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Software Development ⛵️
Your secret is safeish with me
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?