Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
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“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired