Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
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The Weeknd is back
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
🤣✨#caturday
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.