Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

GF: What’s my biggest flaw?

ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you

GF: No come on, I mean pacifically

ME: We should split up

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

ㅤ

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

The Weeknd is back

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food