Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
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If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
J: Hard luck, kid
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Me: —pre born
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.