@shopkins776

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

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@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

@Phantasmagoriax

If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

@TeaAndCopy

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

@OllyiConic

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

@DarkInjustices

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

@Home_Halfway

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

@Kryzazy

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

@MsSkarsgaard

Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.