Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
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Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
She was REALLY feeling it.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.