Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
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wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
the three branches of government
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.