being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
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Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
This sounds bad:
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣