Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
nature’s most graceful animal
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.