Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
You Might Also Like
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.