Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
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Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side