[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.