[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
You Might Also Like
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.