[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Peace was never an option
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”