@Ygrene

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

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@bingowings14

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

@FatherWithTwins

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

@SamuelHLowe

– What’s your cell phone?
– iPhone.
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.

@jergarl

Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.

Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!

Me: K

@iamspacegirl

[first date]

her: Tell me a little bit about yourself

me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?

her: umm

@DurtMcHurtt

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

@D_Ciphered

My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!

Me: I’m in!

Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”

Me: I’m out!

@NotNikk

Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck

@Reverend_Scott

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

@MomOnFire

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.