*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
– What’s your cell phone?
– No, I meant the number.
– It’s a 6.
– No, to contact you.
– I don’t use it for that.
Me: I’m so tired I need to sleep.
Ambien: Here I’ll help… Hey don’t forget to take off your clothes and pretend that you’re snow!
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
My ex (2 years ago) : Let’s spice things up and role play!
Me: I’m in!
Ex: “Good evening, Mr. Grey…”
Me: I’m out!
Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.