[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
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If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
These aliens are taking forever.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.