Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

*opens Advil*

*takes Advil*

*closes Advil*

*looks at husband*

“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A

Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel