Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

Print is alive and well!!!

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

This is the best one I’ve seen

[at the park with my husband and children]

Stranger: You have a beautiful family

Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.