HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
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15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I don’t make the rules sorry
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
LIES! STOP THE LIES!
-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*
Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-
LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.