[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”