@Ygrene

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

You Might Also Like

@markedly

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

@amandajpanda

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

@amazymay72x

LIES! STOP THE LIES!

-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.

@dumbbeezie

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

@ExcuseMyTweets

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

@Mr_Kapowski

Lady Astronaut: *eats all the chocolate*

Guy Astronaut: You know we’re on the space shuttle for-

LA: SHUTTLE YOUR MOUTH AND GIVE ME SPACE

@WilliamAder

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

@kimtopher22

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.