[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
it is time once again
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
🤣🤣
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
haha same
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher