[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
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If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew