Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]

MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”