Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.
*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic
Me *texting her back from motel room* am I