@SJSchauer

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

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@AJslackie2

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokémon GO then she got hit by a car.

@CarolinaSong

Girls are like math problems. If they are under 18, its best you do them in your head

@Probgoblin

Fun fact about Earth: It is an insane hellworld where a species of ape has harnessed the power of liquefied dead things to destroy itself.

@candygrlMT

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

@slaughthie

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

@murrman5

are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*

@parsfarce

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r