@SJSchauer

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

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@drinksmcgee

Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.

*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine

@Reverend_Scott

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

@TheCatWhisprer

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

@Jake_Sniff

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

@kelkulus

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

@PresTightrhymes

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

@ArfMeasures

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I