@SJSchauer

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

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@DaddyJew

I just yawned and then the guy on tv yawned and I didn’t even know that was possible

@Freudianscript

Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.

@UnFitz

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

@WheelTod

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

@NurseKimaaa

It’s so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren’t already inside their house.

@kentgrossarth

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.