being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*