being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
#Caturday
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
What a year we’ve had this week.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?