being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
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We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
That’s easy for you to say
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.