Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I hope it’s French Onion!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Wednesday
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
