Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
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Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
first you must answer his riddles
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
They did not think through this water fountain
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
just witnessed a drug deal
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”