I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT