@KeithAshers

Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.

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@TomSchally

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@newLettuce

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt

@NewDadNotes

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

@DaddyJew

Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.

@adult_keverage

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

@FU_TangClan

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT