Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking