Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.