[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
You Might Also Like
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
new shirt idea
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake