Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell

TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?

Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?