Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

That earthquake could have been an email.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.