Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?