Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
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what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
me irl
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Left at a local drug store…
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?