Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
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edward fingerhands
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?