Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Who’s drunk

*raises leg