*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
you’re damn right i have
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
