*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
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her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
No. YOU-buprofen.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them