[being buried alive] you missed a spot
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Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
life finds a way
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.