Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

How it started How it’s going

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online