[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Finally, an explanation.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?